Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Another Modern Modest Proposal: Outlaw Sex!

(For the original "Modest Proposal", click here.)

The government cares about Americans so much that it is stepping up its role in providing healthcare. But many of the irrational concerns about "death panels" stem from very real concerns about how the government intends to reduce healthcare costs. A comprehensive plan needs to be put forth so that conservatives are forced to stop spreading wild rumors.

Now is the time for a federal ban on all sexual intercourse. Sex no longer has any redeeming social value, since responsible adults now have access to in vitro fertilization. We all know the hazards of sex: STD's, rectal trauma, and unauthorized pregnancy. So why do otherwise sane adults persist in this behavior? Because it produces a euphoria that can only be compared to a drug induced high.

The government has rightly outlawed drugs because of all the havoc that they cause in the mind of the user and society at large. Why should sex get a free pass? Prohibition is progress!

This ban must be absolute; not even married couples should be allowed to have sex. Especially if your spouse is a politician who travels to countries where sex is legal.

Some argue that responsible adults should be allowed to make their own personal decisions. But when an adult makes the wrong decision, that's proof of his incompetence. This is why we have an enlightened Congress: to tell us all what to do. Just as responsible parents forbid their children from playing in the streets, responsible governments prevent their citizens from engaging in dangerous or unhealthy behavior. The best way for the government to lower healthcare costs is to make safer, healthier, and celibate.


Daddy said...

Sex might have been outlawed a long time ago when Cosmo started to be sold with frontpage covered, but explicit tabloids with their wardrobe malfunction crazes, in unobstructed view at grocery stores cash registers for all kids to see and learn.

Jim Wetzel said...

"We all know the hazards of sex: STD's, rectal trauma ... "

Rectal trauma? That sounds like a consequence of sodomy, not sex.

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